I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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