You made me cry and you don't even care
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
