I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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