"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
