Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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