I haven't been this sober since birth.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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