wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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