I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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