Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
