can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
