3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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