How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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