I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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