apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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