I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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