did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
