i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
