So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
