So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
