Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
