I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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