Don't you send me to vm
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
