i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
