I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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