that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
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She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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