Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
