thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
