just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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