How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
