Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
