I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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