i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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