im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she peed on how many people?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
