if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
