the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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