Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
