I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
