Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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