I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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