a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
