took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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