Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
