apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
