i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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