we have pet lesbian snakes
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
