remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
