I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals