I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
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I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.