I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.