I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
