textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think my fart just growled at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
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