ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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