how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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