I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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