I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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