If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
