Redeem this text for a blowjob
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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