Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
